We're facebook friends in real life
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
