I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
