Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
