at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
