dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
