made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
