Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
