I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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