just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
