I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
