Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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