I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
