i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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