I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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