also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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