I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
