there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
