hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
