i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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