Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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