I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You're so nebulous sometimes
Small penises have feelings too.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
