I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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