me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
