i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
