My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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