If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
