I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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