I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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