with your own penis?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
