i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
