Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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