worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
