my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
