I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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