if you like me you must not know who I am
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
