I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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