Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
