Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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