walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
