my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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