Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
