If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
