His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
