I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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