I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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