Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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