There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Holy sore nipples Batman
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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