When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
