Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
