I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
